She knew the road she chose would be hard and she wanted me by her side for it.
She was my client for five years.
We had many talks over the years; about life, hobbies, family, marriage, babies, funny memories, hard moments, favorite recipes, people we liked and didn’t like, places we’d traveled, places we wanted to go, past jobs and coworkers, new gadgets advertised on the internet…. everything.
We also had many conversations about “the fight.” The fight she was in to get back up and on her feet. The fight she was in to have the retirement she had dreamed of. The fight for her quality of life back.
She had SO many successes. I will never forget the day she stood up and WALKED! It was magical.
She had SO many setbacks. I will not soon forget those moments either.
I would remind her to look down this mountain every once in a while. “I know this is hard, I know you’re tired of climbing, I know we’ve still got further to go… but look down, see how far you’ve already come” I’d remind her.
I just knew she would meet her goal of independence. I could see it so clearly in my mindseye.
I remember the day we were sitting in the Emergency Department together. I could sense her energy was different, I could see the spark in her eye fading.
I asked “Are you done fighting?.” She replied “I am close. Really close.” I knew in that moment she didn’t need me to be her cheerleader, she needed me to be her support, her friend.
Right there in that ED, we talked about the implications of what was going on. We talked about quality of life. We talked about finances and where everything is. We talked about power of attorney and her Will. Everything.
I asked her if she wanted me to tell her family about the discussion we had. She asked me to hold, but said she would tell me when it was time.
I continued to show up for her: Coordinate care, go to appointments, visit, chat, business as usual. But, I saw her spark continue to fade.
I went to visit her in the hospital one day. It was just her and me. She had gotten a new plan and it was moving forward quickly.
I asked her if we could pause and talk frankly. I told her I didn’t think this plan was in line with what we had talked about that day in the ER.
I needed to know she understood the plan and if that is her choice, I supported her. I also needed her to know if she needed help telling people she wasn’t on board for this plan, I will lead the charge.
She said “This isn’t what I want. I am done fighting. I just want to close my eyes and rest.”
She gave me permission to tell the health team and her family this time.
I had the hard, tearful conversations with her family. I kept pushing when her health team had objections or used words like “giving up.”
With the help of the team at Navigate Wellness and hospice, she was able to go home. There she was able to have visitors, reminisce, be spoiled, and focus on her comfort.
She died surrounded by family.
She never did meet her original goal that I could see for her SO clearly, but I hold a belief that she’s doing all of the things she loved with total independence now.
I will always remember her for her resilience and her ability to roll with the punches and do the hard things — especially when the hard thing was to stop fighting. To rest. To relax. To exhale.
I loved her. I miss her. I am grateful to have known her and will be forever guided by her wisdom and perseverance.
– Janie
